Hola losers!
Now I believe this will be the last and final First Impression episode (sheesh I feel like I'm on the Bachelorette..."I'm finally stating to get to know these guys and develop some real feelings" Yes we all know that none of those guys are on it just so they can get famous, make out a little and then reap some serious cash benefits...while also becoming more attractive to the ladies who probably wouldn't have considered them a sexual partner before but now are being called to them to fulfill the lifelong goal of sleeping with someone semi-famous).
Now this post is very dear to my heart. Not really. More like it's dear to my biological drive to find a mate and the constant cry of my ovaries to have young. Now I know you perverts want to hear more about my ovaries but that's a special story for another time.
Today I'm going to talk about men. More specifically how I manage to find, court and date men. It's okay to take notes here, since I know you all probably need at least a foot in the door to at least make eye contact with someone of the opposite sex.
So I'm going to start with how I snagged my most recent boyfriend (wow that sounded way more degrading than I meant it to...yeah no I meant it to sound that way). It is a tale of a true dating master at work. I tell you...I had planned this line to the very syllable. I'll set the scene.
So we were going on our first date. He had texted me, asked if I wanted to hang with him that night, instead of our arranged date the next day. I was totally prepared. Men go crazy for me, what can I say? I was so excited! (not) So I decided to really gussy myself up for the occasion. My pre-date ritual went as follows:
First, I decided against a shower. I figured why? I had showered a couple days ago, it wasn't necessary to smell or look clean.
Second, I decided I would wear an old toque that I hadn't washed for a while to cover up the hair I had decided not to wash.
Third, I decided to wear a really thin t-shirt in spring time. I didn't need to keep in body heat.
Fourth, I decided it would be a good idea to go to a "bonfire" with him and his group of friends out in the middle of the woods where no one could hear me scream and cell signal did not exist.
Finally, I decided I should probably add a little bit of eau d' toilette to the ensemble! My friends so happened to be cooking yam fries at the time. Perfect I thought! I'd smell of home cooked meal and I'd also get to stand in front of the oven to get warm.
Now I had thoroughly set myself up for success. The date was off to a good start. No way he wouldn't fall desperately in love with me now! On his way to pick me up he got lost, fine a minor set back in what was sure to be a wonderful night...especially because I had really dressed to the nines.
Finally, he arrived. I bounded out the door with warm wishes of "Call me if you get raped!" and "Please text me every hour so I know you're still alive!" from my friends. Such confidence!
I bounded into the truck and before he even got two words out I realized that maybe I had been to heavy handed with the yam fries perfume. Concentrated yam fry stench in the cab of a truck is like being hit with a chemical weapon. It was in that moment I decided I had to save this date with the best line I could think of.
Now to digress a moment, I'm a nervous talker. When I'm in awkward situations I either get silent...or if I find that the person I'm with is also shy I start talking like an idiot. I'm not talking word spittle...I'm talking full on word vomit caused by alcohol poisoning. That shit is a never ending stream of vomit. It has always been this way. And most of the times it comes out something like this.
Here I was, locked in this truck, the smell of yam fry pervading the air. Hanging between us like unspoken promises of yam fries yet to be shared. Fine. It was more like I smelt like the grease disposal outside of McDonalds and I think he was hoping (and praying to every god known to the human race) my intelligence would make up for the lack of personal hygiene I was practicing.
I had to save us. We all know how well I function under pressure. I figured this was a time for me to really shine...my sparkling personality to sweep him off his feet. I took a second and with all the confidence I had I declared...
"I'M SORRY THAT I SMELL LIKE YAM FRIES"
It was a piece of my finest quick thinking. He had really had a taste of who I was in that moment. I was surprised he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend right there. Better yet, to marry him! The rest of the truck ride consisted of me trying to outdo this beautiful opener by discussing how I hate rap music (one of his favorite music genres) and how I am a vegetarian (he is a full carnivore). Truly a magical evening...provided by moi.
Moral of the Story:
Although there is the obvious "don't stand in front of an oven full of yam fries before a date" moral. Digging deeper we can see the underlying message here...Don't agree to go on a first date with someone you don't even know to a "bonfire" in the "woods" with his "friends"! It's a stupid idea! Who would do that!
Kids, never EVER go on a first date to the woods with a man you don't know....unless he promises candy. Then it's fine...clearly if he has candy he can't be bad and must be totally trustworthy!
Now I believe this will be the last and final First Impression episode (sheesh I feel like I'm on the Bachelorette..."I'm finally stating to get to know these guys and develop some real feelings" Yes we all know that none of those guys are on it just so they can get famous, make out a little and then reap some serious cash benefits...while also becoming more attractive to the ladies who probably wouldn't have considered them a sexual partner before but now are being called to them to fulfill the lifelong goal of sleeping with someone semi-famous).
Now this post is very dear to my heart. Not really. More like it's dear to my biological drive to find a mate and the constant cry of my ovaries to have young. Now I know you perverts want to hear more about my ovaries but that's a special story for another time.
 |
| I recognize I said ovaries, but in case you haven't passed biology this is a uterus |
Today I'm going to talk about men. More specifically how I manage to find, court and date men. It's okay to take notes here, since I know you all probably need at least a foot in the door to at least make eye contact with someone of the opposite sex.
So I'm going to start with how I snagged my most recent boyfriend (wow that sounded way more degrading than I meant it to...yeah no I meant it to sound that way). It is a tale of a true dating master at work. I tell you...I had planned this line to the very syllable. I'll set the scene.
So we were going on our first date. He had texted me, asked if I wanted to hang with him that night, instead of our arranged date the next day. I was totally prepared. Men go crazy for me, what can I say? I was so excited! (not) So I decided to really gussy myself up for the occasion. My pre-date ritual went as follows:
First, I decided against a shower. I figured why? I had showered a couple days ago, it wasn't necessary to smell or look clean.
Second, I decided I would wear an old toque that I hadn't washed for a while to cover up the hair I had decided not to wash.
 |
| this isn't my toque...he never would've spoken to me if I wore such an embarrassment |
Third, I decided to wear a really thin t-shirt in spring time. I didn't need to keep in body heat.
Fourth, I decided it would be a good idea to go to a "bonfire" with him and his group of friends out in the middle of the woods where no one could hear me scream and cell signal did not exist.
 | ||
| except I imagine mine would be more scary...less sexy and far less six packs. | In fact it would look nothing like this |
Finally, I decided I should probably add a little bit of eau d' toilette to the ensemble! My friends so happened to be cooking yam fries at the time. Perfect I thought! I'd smell of home cooked meal and I'd also get to stand in front of the oven to get warm.
Now I had thoroughly set myself up for success. The date was off to a good start. No way he wouldn't fall desperately in love with me now! On his way to pick me up he got lost, fine a minor set back in what was sure to be a wonderful night...especially because I had really dressed to the nines.
Finally, he arrived. I bounded out the door with warm wishes of "Call me if you get raped!" and "Please text me every hour so I know you're still alive!" from my friends. Such confidence!
I bounded into the truck and before he even got two words out I realized that maybe I had been to heavy handed with the yam fries perfume. Concentrated yam fry stench in the cab of a truck is like being hit with a chemical weapon. It was in that moment I decided I had to save this date with the best line I could think of.
Now to digress a moment, I'm a nervous talker. When I'm in awkward situations I either get silent...or if I find that the person I'm with is also shy I start talking like an idiot. I'm not talking word spittle...I'm talking full on word vomit caused by alcohol poisoning. That shit is a never ending stream of vomit. It has always been this way. And most of the times it comes out something like this.
Here I was, locked in this truck, the smell of yam fry pervading the air. Hanging between us like unspoken promises of yam fries yet to be shared. Fine. It was more like I smelt like the grease disposal outside of McDonalds and I think he was hoping (and praying to every god known to the human race) my intelligence would make up for the lack of personal hygiene I was practicing.
I had to save us. We all know how well I function under pressure. I figured this was a time for me to really shine...my sparkling personality to sweep him off his feet. I took a second and with all the confidence I had I declared...
"I'M SORRY THAT I SMELL LIKE YAM FRIES"
It was a piece of my finest quick thinking. He had really had a taste of who I was in that moment. I was surprised he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend right there. Better yet, to marry him! The rest of the truck ride consisted of me trying to outdo this beautiful opener by discussing how I hate rap music (one of his favorite music genres) and how I am a vegetarian (he is a full carnivore). Truly a magical evening...provided by moi.
Moral of the Story:
Although there is the obvious "don't stand in front of an oven full of yam fries before a date" moral. Digging deeper we can see the underlying message here...Don't agree to go on a first date with someone you don't even know to a "bonfire" in the "woods" with his "friends"! It's a stupid idea! Who would do that!
Kids, never EVER go on a first date to the woods with a man you don't know....unless he promises candy. Then it's fine...clearly if he has candy he can't be bad and must be totally trustworthy!
 |
| Has anyone seen this movie? |
