***DISCLAIMER: Any men who follow me, I am sorry in advance for some possibly derogatory speak towards your species. I do in fact love men. Please just understand it's all in the name of being a woman. Sometimes, we are allowed to act like men. Jut like sometimes you guys wear our underwear while we sleep. It's okay, I promise we don't judge. So just skip this post if you take great offense to women bashing your sex. I promise I'll write a woman bashing post to***
Hola Bitches (no derogatory connotation intended, why DOES everyone take this so seriously?),
Alright, I know your all probably sick of my everlastingly boring childhood. But it is this childhood that made me into the awkward and crazy person that I am. However now that University is over I am kind of lacking in the weirdo department.
But when worse comes to worse in awkward situations...once can just always talk about internet porn and men. (This seems to be a default setting for my roomie)
Which is why I'm writing this post. Okay maybe it's not about internet porn, don't get all hot and heavy on me. I'm talking about men here. The simple, wonderful and always available entity that is a man....oh sorry I WAS talking about porn. If men were that easy to understand, you know turn it on when you want to see it, fast foreward through the annoying parts, and shut it down when your done with it, life for females would be so much more awesome. (at least from what I've heard about porn. Personally I don't indulge in such things, but hey everyone's got their something)
My experience with men started early. I had my first boyfriend in kindergarten. I can tell you...it set up relationships for the rest of my life.
Perry was his name and he was one of those charming types. I remember him bringing me a music box as a present for my birthday party. Our relationship was like that of Romeo and Juliet, Tristian and Isolde, Noah and Allie. Seriously, Nicholas Sparks would have a cheesy romance novel hard-on for the cuteness that was our relationship. I realize that perhaps saying a grown man would have a hard-on for the romantic lives of 5 year old children would make him sound like a pedophile. I'm sorry Mr. Sparks.
Okay I exaggerate. Perry and I were not star-crossed lovers. In fact I don't even know if he's alive anymore. But can tell you he was the reason I have no trust for men and I get walked on like a doormat by 98% of the male population. Okay maybe like 98.%. Thanks Perry. Asshole.
Alright, so Perry and I were all 5 year old couple. Now Perry had this insane jealousy issue. Of everyone. I literally was not allowed to hang around with anyone. Except Perry. My kindergarten class had these stations. You know the ones, home station, play-doh station, block station, sports station etc. Everyday Perry and I would be partners and I would be forced to play with him and only him. However, I made a critical and tactical error one day. I instead want to another station with my friend. Not the home station with Perry (you can guess he liked to pretend we were married).
Perry wasn't having any of this shit. He first tried the typical man thing. Pouting and being passive-agrressive to me to try and get me to change my ways. When this failed, he went for a more dramatic and much more manly route. He started crying like a little girl. Then he made it personal.
He told the teacher I had been mean to him and had ignored his polite attempts to get me to go with him to the station he wanted. Of course, I was traumatized. Perry's jealousy had forever changed me into a welcome mat for men. His insane jealousy had destroyed my feminist ideals. I think I have not made myself clear enough here. He was insanely jealous at the age of 5. Don't worry I didn't get in trouble. My teacher quickly saw the issue for what it was and corrected Perry's misguided thought that he owned me.
Dear Perry's current girlfriend,
Your boyfriend has insane jealousy issues. Enough to tell an adult on you if you fuck up. He will destroy you. Do not take this warning lightly. Run...run like a Zimbabwe man in the Olympics (AKA really really fast).
Sincerely, Amber
Damn you Perry, Damn you.
Hola Bitches (no derogatory connotation intended, why DOES everyone take this so seriously?),
Alright, I know your all probably sick of my everlastingly boring childhood. But it is this childhood that made me into the awkward and crazy person that I am. However now that University is over I am kind of lacking in the weirdo department.
But when worse comes to worse in awkward situations...once can just always talk about internet porn and men. (This seems to be a default setting for my roomie)
Which is why I'm writing this post. Okay maybe it's not about internet porn, don't get all hot and heavy on me. I'm talking about men here. The simple, wonderful and always available entity that is a man....oh sorry I WAS talking about porn. If men were that easy to understand, you know turn it on when you want to see it, fast foreward through the annoying parts, and shut it down when your done with it, life for females would be so much more awesome. (at least from what I've heard about porn. Personally I don't indulge in such things, but hey everyone's got their something)
My experience with men started early. I had my first boyfriend in kindergarten. I can tell you...it set up relationships for the rest of my life.
Perry was his name and he was one of those charming types. I remember him bringing me a music box as a present for my birthday party. Our relationship was like that of Romeo and Juliet, Tristian and Isolde, Noah and Allie. Seriously, Nicholas Sparks would have a cheesy romance novel hard-on for the cuteness that was our relationship. I realize that perhaps saying a grown man would have a hard-on for the romantic lives of 5 year old children would make him sound like a pedophile. I'm sorry Mr. Sparks.
Okay I exaggerate. Perry and I were not star-crossed lovers. In fact I don't even know if he's alive anymore. But can tell you he was the reason I have no trust for men and I get walked on like a doormat by 98% of the male population. Okay maybe like 98.%. Thanks Perry. Asshole.
Alright, so Perry and I were all 5 year old couple. Now Perry had this insane jealousy issue. Of everyone. I literally was not allowed to hang around with anyone. Except Perry. My kindergarten class had these stations. You know the ones, home station, play-doh station, block station, sports station etc. Everyday Perry and I would be partners and I would be forced to play with him and only him. However, I made a critical and tactical error one day. I instead want to another station with my friend. Not the home station with Perry (you can guess he liked to pretend we were married).
Perry wasn't having any of this shit. He first tried the typical man thing. Pouting and being passive-agrressive to me to try and get me to change my ways. When this failed, he went for a more dramatic and much more manly route. He started crying like a little girl. Then he made it personal.
He told the teacher I had been mean to him and had ignored his polite attempts to get me to go with him to the station he wanted. Of course, I was traumatized. Perry's jealousy had forever changed me into a welcome mat for men. His insane jealousy had destroyed my feminist ideals. I think I have not made myself clear enough here. He was insanely jealous at the age of 5. Don't worry I didn't get in trouble. My teacher quickly saw the issue for what it was and corrected Perry's misguided thought that he owned me.
Dear Perry's current girlfriend,
Your boyfriend has insane jealousy issues. Enough to tell an adult on you if you fuck up. He will destroy you. Do not take this warning lightly. Run...run like a Zimbabwe man in the Olympics (AKA really really fast).
Sincerely, Amber
Damn you Perry, Damn you.
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