Okay, so I can't exactly pin-point the moment I started stumbling into awkward and strange situations. It may have been the moment I burst forth from the womb or it may have been last week when, while I was having "one of those days", I saw a guy in a flower suit dance around our student union building (also a character who will be re-appearing).
To be honest, I think it started when I was younger. I was never a kid who did anything particularly extraordinary. I mean, I certainly never coerced my birthday guests into bringing money to save Fluffy at the local shelter (by the way, who are these kids? What happened to the innocence of wanting more toys? When did that STOP being enough?). I wasn't overly popular or anything.
I did however have one special moment early on in my history that may have set in motion the rest of my life events. Now, you have to bear with me here. Feel free to enjoy the following story. Because I know at least ONE of you did this when you were little. No, don't look away, I know your just as guilty.
When I was younger, I used to LOVE disney. No sorry. I used to WORSHIP disney. I remember in elementary school being dubbed as "the most likely to become a Disney princess". I'm sorry, wait, quick digression here. Why isn't there a university class DEDICATED to getting your degree in becoming a disney princess. Someone needs to do something about this. I mean had I been offered this option before deciding on my degree, I think we know who would be graduating with her BA in "princessology" in 2 years and NOT wasting away in the library studying literary terms.
Okay, back to the important stuff. Now as I was saying, my situation with Disney was pretty set in cement. My mom, bless her sweet innocent soul, how could she have forseen? She went out and bought me a Jasmine costume. Yes kids, a jasmine costume. Not the cheap one either. It was the legit one. (Okay, maybe not LEGIT because I mean, 2-year-olds can't wear a shirt that only covers their chest and shows off their belly...you sickos pictured it didn't you? You people are sick. Get some help, then come back and finish reading).
From the day my mom brought that baby home, I didn't take it off. Seriously. My mom had to wash it at night because I had convinced myself that I was Jasmine. Aladdin was going to come any day to pick me up and we would fly off into Agra-bah(I am not going to lie, I have no idea how to spell that)together.I have pictures of myself in that outfit, everywhere. I was an impressionable kid. I told you already, your not allowed to judge me. I was like every other kid who wore their superman cape to pre-school (you know who you are).
I would like to say it ended there. It didn't. My Jasmine obsession may have lead me to do something that to this day, I am proud of. My parents, they took the plunge, they took my brother and I to Disneyworld. Yes, a place of nightmares for parents and a place where sugar-coated dreams come true for those demons called children. It was here that my mom perhaps made the realization that the "Jasmine" dream had gone to far. I made the critical error that would alter the history of my life.
I met Jasmine.
Oh yes. It was like all the world had opened up, we were instant friends (okay, maybe only in my 4 year old mind). I was on cloud nine. I got her autograph. Life couldn't get any better. But then, the unthinkable. It was probably this moment that started my perpetual dis-trust for the opposite sex.
Aladdin tried to get in on the action
"What's wrong with that?" your thinking. Are you kidding me? He destroyed the picture of just Jasmine and me. He diverted her attention away from our dream world. And he smelled of cigarettes and curry (okay this may be a bit of an exaggeration. I was only 4 remember. Just go along with it). So I did what I had to do. I took the situation into my own hands.
I told Aladdin to beat it. Yup. I made him bend down, look me in the eyes and made it clear to him that if he was a real prince he would get the heck out of my way and never EVER try to get in the picture again. No ifs, ands, or buts. My mom even has a picture of it.
So, I may have taken the Jasmine thing to far. I may have become power hungry. I can't tell you what happened that fateful day, but I sure as heck can tell you Aladdin was not in that picture. I also can't say for certain if this was the day the whole "awkward situations" thing started happening to me. But it's a pretty damn epic story regardless.
Plus...YOU sickos probably laughed at me. Yeah I know who you are. Well...then at least you can look at yourself (even though its lies) and feel okay about your "normal" childhood.
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